Today we’d like to introduce you to Imani Turner.
Hi Imani, thanks for sharing your story with us. To start, maybe you can tell our readers some of your backstory.
I’ve been involved in art since before I can remember. I was a very curious child and loved sharing whatever new information I learned, mainly through storytelling. Whether it was through drawing, reading, or just playing make-believe with my dolls, I always felt like I would burst if I didn’t get the ideas and images out of my head. This naturally translated to artistic expression, and I enjoyed getting my hands into anything that I could. I found other means of expression like fashion and dance provided an avenue to express feelings that I couldn’t put into words. I had such a hard time expressing myself verbally because of the abuse I endured in the foster care system. My sisters and I grew up in a very strict and religious household, so art was my own means of escapism and rebellion, outside of school. I enjoyed and excelled throughout primary school and had been blessed to continuously end up in programs that emphasized the arts. Due to having sickle cell disease, I spent a lot of my childhood indoors, and my immediate environment and imagination served as mental stimulation. After my mom regained custody of my sisters and me, I was able to explore modes of expression more freely. I participated in fashion shows, dance teams, theater groups, and music from time to time. My goal since childhood was to be an artist but I was reluctant to strive for that since it wasn’t seen as a reliable career by the adults “keeping my best interest in mind.” Even still I was able to learn some ballet techniques under China White and got my first dance teaching job for her company. When I left for college, I decided to go for exercise science since I really enjoyed helping my high school athletic director during track season and I had a natural passion for understanding the human body. I started teaching heels dancing classes my freshman year at OSU with an old high school friend and traveled around Ohio a bit going to classes and appearing in my first music videos. I just learned a few months ago that some people refer to me as “Imani the dancer” on campus. Anywho, college ended up being more challenging than I expected and I realized I couldn’t use it to escape as I did before. A few major changes later and I auditioned for the dance major. I took the rejection hard, and I was going through some unexpected turbulent times all at once, then boom: COVID-19. I thought “If I can’t do what I want to in school, I just won’t do it here.” I decided to leave school to pursue an art career full-time. However, I didn’t have a plan, a place to stay, or any real financial income coming in, so I was terrified, to say the least. I was able to crash at my eldest sister’s house and then my old friend’s until finally returning home to my mother’s house with my tail between my legs. During that time, I continued focusing on dance and started picking up my old hobbies to see what I could milk out of them. I started a YouTube, but I struggled to have the motivation to create anything because I was worried about survival. The silver lining was that I was able to take advantage of different career opportunities like teaching in a studio, selling my own creations, and leading a dance team for a short while. I traveled to Atlanta a couple of times for music videos and focused on my fitness and dance training. Back at my mother’s house, I decided to get a full-time job in health care so I could get my own apartment. Moving out was such a huge accomplishment for me but I quickly realized I didn’t have as much time or energy to focus on my art as I wanted to, working 40 hours a week. After way too much inner turmoil I quit my job on another leap of faith and general concern for my health. I didn’t have a business plan yet, but I knew I liked being in control of when I worked and what I did, and I knew it had to emotionally resonate for me to commit to it. I spent a lot of time figuring out what I’m good at and exploring all my interests. Figuring out the nature and name of my business was a never-ending process of shadow work and self-reflection. One day it dawned on me that I wanted more than anything to create a safe space to feel loved and supported. I was inspired to use one of my childhood nicknames, “Monstar,” because it highlighted a time in my life when I wasn’t aware of how dope I was since I was concerned about fitting in and dimmed my light in fear of taking up too much space. I decided I would change the narrative for myself both then and now and build my business off my authentic love of art, learning, and sharing. I figured if I could use my art and knowledge to help people remain in touch with their inner child, I could connect with others on an intimate level while maintaining my personal autonomy. My first official Monstar project was three custom design orders for my younger sister’s 20th birthday photoshoot. It was honestly scary because I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off being self-taught and having a toxic relationship with procrastination.
When her shoots turned out to be a success, I felt the weight of self-doubt getting a little lighter. Following that, I did a huge project for my birthday which consisted of makeup, styling & designing, writing scripts, building a set, choreographing, casting, and performing on film. I was still working as a choreographer and appearing in music videos, but I was starting to tire of dance from the lack of equitable compensation and general burnout from trying to make ends meet. I ended up getting evicted from my apartment and having to move back in with my mom once again. I decided to go back to school for my Associates of Arts and to utilize some new student housing I qualified for.
As 2021 ended and 2022 began, I homed in on my goals and did everything in my power to make the most of each situation. I ended up getting the opportunity to creatively direct a video I just finished working on and stepped into a role as a first assistant director for the first time. Seeing that I could, in fact, take my skill base and put it to use, I am currently solidifying my plans for Monstar and thankfully getting to do it with some people very near and dear to my heart. I’m excited about where I’m going to take this, and it’s taken so much out of me to keep quiet about it, but I’ve been learning to enjoy the preparation stage and really taking advantage of the networking opportunities I’ve been presented. I’m also doing well in school, and I notice I’ve found this level of focus I don’t think I’ve ever been tapped into before. The situation I’m in right now requires a delicate balancing act and sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but a louder part of me is sort of like “bring it on.” By the grace of God, I’ve been learning to fly one leap at a time.
We all face challenges, but looking back would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
Trigger warning: Child abuse, sexual assault, suicide. I’m beginning to learn that roads CAN be smooth. I struggled a lot with depression, especially throughout my adolescence. As a child, I endured physical, verbal, and emotional abuse by an aunt who was my guardian until around eight years old. She was extremely critical and strict about what my sisters and I could do and even tried to keep us out of my mother’s custody. I was raised to believe that mistakes deserved punishment, and anything could be a mistake in that household. I felt a compulsion to make sure everyone was ok for sake of my own safety. Even with the expanded freedom I had at my mom’s house, we struggled financially and moved around a lot while my mom worked hard to provide for us. Being the third child, I didn’t feel like I got much attention outside of academic accomplishments or misbehaving so I opted for a more sneaky, double life approach. I went to school, worked, and did all my extracurriculars when my sickle cell wasn’t interfering. Subconsciously, I sought validation from peers and especially the opposite sex, and that led to sexual exploitation and abuse in a romantic relationship very early on in my teens. After that situation, I had an extremely difficult time feeling connected to people on an intimate level because I feared being vulnerable around others, even my family. I felt lonely growing up, which might be surprising to some people because I manage to navigate social environments well. I thought it was unfair to share my problems with other people since they already had their own, so I buried my secrets and emotions deep inside. This made it difficult for me to know what I wanted or what my needs were on a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual level. School made it the hardest for me because I had an image to maintain and was constantly being bombarded with “Whatcha gonna do when you grow up… get out of school… go to college?” “Art? Why not science or something that’ll benefit all of society?” The pressure to succeed and the unprocessed trauma led me to seek a permanent escape, suicide. After that there would be no more abuse, no more poverty, no more sickle cell crisis, no more hypersexuality, no more fears that I’ll never amount to anything, no more burdening my friends and family (who had no idea how I felt), no more abandonment issues, no more questioning why God would allow so much pain in the world, the list goes on. However, that’s not the way life went. Deep, DEEP inside, I felt there was a little bit of hope, I really wanted to turn 18. And so, I did that and went off to college and met some great people. I mentioned earlier but I struggle a lot with procrastination, partly because of the self-imposed pressure to succeed and partly because I needed an excuse to fall back on in case my work was subpar. I knew how to work well in extreme conditions so I would put myself in situations where I have a ton of work to do in the span of 2hrs or so. I didn’t break this habit until this year, mostly because I’m tired of being in my own way and I enjoy working peacefully.
Career-wise, when I began teaching heels classes in 2018 I learned a lot about doing business in the art and music industry like using contracts and being paid in “exposure.” I learned about frenemies and being shaded by business partners. I learned not to mix business with pleasure and that all my problems will still be here after the drugs and alcohol. I learned that not every opportunity is for me and that some people only value me if I’m in service to them. I learned about the isolation that comes as a result of wanting to do better for myself, and I learned how my lack of boundaries (I didn’t even know what those were) was the reason I couldn’t get anything done for myself. When it comes to worldly accomplishments, I don’t have that hard of a time making it happen once I’m in focus. It was my unexposed feelings on the inside that were the greatest struggle on my path as a thriving artist. Allowing myself space to truly express my raw, unfiltered emotions has been the longest battle of my life so far, one that I still find myself fighting. Well, less like fighting, more like surrendering. I have daily habits and practices in place that I’ve continued to carefully cultivate which create space for total self-acceptance. It’s a lot easier now because I know who I am, what my values are, what it takes to be who I am. I used to feel alienated from my name: Imani which means faith. I felt faith was useless because I was abused, assaulted, poor, ignored, unmotivated, scared, and unworthy, and the faith I witnessed allowed for all that. But it was my spirit, my warrior spirit, that showed me what it means to embody Imani. I never want to glorify trauma, because I believe no one, absolutely no one deserves the hardships they go through, but I do believe the challenges to overcome the trauma has prepared me to create the smoother path I always dreamed about.
Thanks for sharing that. So, maybe next you can tell us a bit more about your work?
Right now, I’m a choreographer, MUA, fashion designer, and performer. While I dabble in all art forms, I specialize in beauty and emotions because I feel they have the most fascinating relationship. It’s true, when you look better, you feel better, you do better. I’m mostly known as a dancer since that’s where I poured a lot of energy the past 11 years, but I’m starting to make a way in the beauty and film industry, just a toe at a time. I’m currently working at the Transit Arts Residency Program (TARP) with a team of very talented artists making public art commissioned by the city. In my spare time, I’ve been getting back into my other art skills like painting and writing and learning tarot and astrology. What I’m most proud of though is the relationship I have with my niece, Xo’Elle. Because I never had a healthy relationship with my aunt, I take a lot of pride in being her “Bald-headed Auntie”. She’s a huge inspiration in the focus I have now with Monstar, and I love the fact that she wants to do makeup videos with me and FaceTime’s me to play with her dolls or create bedtime stories. Witnessing her growth and the growth of my close friends and family continue to be the proudest moments of my life. Work cannot replace that, and I feel that sets me apart from others in my career right now. I have a quiet ambition and I’m surprisingly becoming more patient with each step of my career journey. I come across as aloof or flighty at times because I like knowing a little about a lot of things, learning brings me comfort and I’m always finding something to learn about. Nowadays, I ever rarely share what my actual goal or focus is because I like to see how ideas can evolve through collective efforts and I’ve learned over time it’s better to show, not tell. I’m also not afraid to be a beginner again. I’m constantly reinventing myself and I own it, it’s refreshing. My ideals can be eccentric or unconventional; I’m not really trying to get to the top or make the most money. I’m more interested in creating a space for people to feel loved, where they can play around and relearn what love looks like in themselves and in a community.
If you had to, what characteristic of yours would you give the most credit to?
Curiosity, wisdom, and vulnerability. Curiosity freed the cat, but first, the cat had to fall down a few steps a few thousand times.
My success is built off my desire to try and ability to use my prior knowledge to do better the next time. I believe we can start over at any time, I’ve been doing it my whole life. And while at first, it was a source of major distress, I had to learn to let go of the past and embrace change, trusting that I would know what to do when the time came. Of course, I didn’t start trusting myself until I actively allowed myself to be vulnerable. Through my vulnerability, I discovered who I could trust and who I couldn’t, and it made me wiser when it came to dealing with interpersonal relationships and networking in general. I started meeting a lot more people I related to when I stopped trying to be so hardcore and I’ve been able to build up a stronger support system. Leaning on my support system, trusting my inspired action, and embracing responsible decisions have made a world of difference in establishing my independence.
However, I wouldn’t be telling the whole truth if I didn’t mention love. Love is… everything. My whole life has sort of been centered on love in any shape or form. It’s my favorite thing to learn about: how to love people, how to accept love, how to access love and its effects on us. Love is at the center of everything I do. If I love it, I do it. If I make a mistake, it was with love. Finding love inside of myself changed my life dramatically because I started to see it in all the places I didn’t before. In strangers, in my family, in my friends, in old adversaries, in my community’s efforts to fight for our beliefs, in our efforts to be more compassionate, I strive for everything I do to plant seeds of love.
Contact Info:
- Email: Ikc.turner20@gmail.com
- Instagram: Instagram.com/imanikhadij
Image Credits
DWestley Photography August Rodriguez Red Mango Films Dreamcatchers Monstar
