Today we’d like to introduce you to Kristi Horner.
Hi Kristi, can you start by introducing yourself? We’d love to learn more about how you got to where you are today.
I’ve got a heart for caregivers and now find it my life’s work to support caregivers of ALL kinds.
I’ve always been a daughter, and then found myself blessed to be a mother to three wonderful, now “emerging young adults.” As I was parenting and daughtering, I’m not sure I ever thought of myself as a caregiver” – maybe a “carer”? It wasn’t until 2010 when I received a call from my younger brother, one that no one ever wants to receive, that he was experiencing thoughts of suicidal ideation. As a trained Stephen Ministry Leader in my congregation, I had enough training to know what to do in that moment. I talked him through a rough spot and hopped on a plane to be with him. What followed were two horrible weeks to get him the immediate care and care plan he needed, then four long years of being his primary mental illness caregiver – providing mental and emotional support long distance. He lived with anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, made complicated by chronic pain.
In 2014, my brother lost his battle with mental illness to suicide. As someone who supported someone living with mental illness that I loved very much, I knew there had to be a better way to support mental illness caregivers, and the idea for Courage to Caregivers was born! The journey of providing care to others is long, lonely, and hard – no one should take this journey alone, like my sisters and I had.
Courage to Caregivers is a nonprofit which I started in Northeast Ohio in 2016, now supporting caregivers to those with mental, chronic, and serious illnesses throughout North America, with the mission of providing hope, support, and courage to caregivers and loved ones of those living with mental illness. We’re in the caregiver burnout prevention business.
The thing about a caregiver – a carer – is that once a caregiver, always a caregiver. I poured my heart and soul into my relationship of care for my brother – I actually thought I could “save him.” I lost myself in that journey of care.
After I lost my brother, and that relationship of care, and in founding Courage to Caregivers, I learned how to take better care of myself – in order to provide better care to others.
I now find myself in full-on daughtering mode, supporting both my aging parents as they navigate this season of life. As well, my oldest son was in a horrific motorcycle accident, leaving him with the worst possible traumatic brain injury and a lifelong TBI/brain difference. Once a caregiver – always a caregiver. Yet, this time, I am equipped with better tools to cope with the stress of caregiving.
I’ve had to work hard over the years to realize that being a caregiver is just ONE facet of who I am. While being a caregiver is essential, wonderful, rewarding, and hard … I remind myself that I don’t let caregiving define my life. I’m worthy of as much kindness, compassion, and love that I give to others and put out in the world. Focusing on self-compassion and self-love are essential to my overall health and well-being. After all, if I don’t take care of ME, I won’t be any good to those who need me and are counting on my support. It’s essential to practice what I preach – as you care for others, don’t forget to take care of YOU, too! Stronger, healthier caregivers provide stronger, healthier care to those they love, thereby creating stronger, healthier families.
Can you talk to us a bit about the challenges and lessons you’ve learned along the way? Looking back, would you say it’s been easy or smooth in retrospect?
There have been many challenges along my journey as an unpaid family caregiver.
In retrospect, the first challenge I faced was that while I cared for others, I was neglecting my own health and well-being. I routinely put my brother’s needs and concerns above my own, and my own health suffered. At the end of many conversations, my brother would say, “I feel so much better,” while I hung up and felt worse. Routinely, I ate my way through the kitchen as if that would soothe my difficult emotions.
With that came losing myself while caring for others – who I was at the very core. I lost sight of myself. It’s as if I hit “pause” on my play button – in order to care for others so they could move “forward.” In the meantime, during that pause, I was lost. It took me a LONG time to notice and ultimately figure out why I was struggling. I had to find peace with focusing on ME again. I had to remind myself that taking care of me, too, is NOT selfish. It allows me to reclaim WHO I am, WHAT I’m doing, and WHY it matters.
As a mental illness caregiver, when my brother was still alive, I felt as if I couldn’t tell MY story. I always felt like it was HIS story to tell – and I needed to maintain his privacy at all costs. Yet, in the meantime, I suffered… in the dark… in the shadows of mental illness … as he did as he faced his journey with anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. There was a lot of judgment and shame – both on his part as well as mine. We hadn’t found a forum that felt safe to both share, receive support, and advocate for our needs. My brother was constantly worried about losing work or being treated differently, so he was regularly alone, as that felt “easier” than trying to explain what was going on. When he did find the courage to share vulnerably, he was often met with misunderstanding and confusion. I get it – his symptoms were difficult to watch, and as a member of his support network, my sisters and I also found ourselves confused and alone. What he/we really needed was someone who understood what we were going through – and offer insights without judgment. What I was looking for became my “why” for creating Courage to Caregivers peer support program. Unconditional love, acceptance, appreciation, compassion, and listening… empathy at its very best.
Finding the vulnerability to ask for help was a challenge necessary to overcome. I don’t like asking for help. I’m a HELPER – I’d much rather GIVE help than ask for help! All the years, I didn’t want to ask for help; it was because I LIKE being self-reliant. It was HARD to ask for help when you’re used to being the helper. After my brother’s suicide, it took a friend telling me – “You’re depriving those who love you from showing you just how much we care about you” for me to break down and accept help. It was one of the most beautiful, sincere things anyone has ever said to me.
Thanks for sharing that. So, maybe next, you can tell us a bit more about your business?
The mission of Courage to Caregivers is to provide hope, support, and courage to caregivers and loved ones of those living with mental illness. We are a nonprofit organization based in Northeast Ohio, providing resources, support, and encouragement to empower unpaid family caregivers throughout North America. We are in the caregiver burnout prevention business with programming being provided virtually and at no cost to the participant.
The unpaid family caregiver often feels isolated, alone, and overwhelmed by stress. This stress, compounded by being thrust into the role with no notice through either traumatic events or a recent (often emerging) diagnosis, qualifies as trauma. The term is post-traumatic caregiving, a precursor to post-traumatic stress disorder. Moreover, the mental health implications of COVID-19 have surged throughout the pandemic. Rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide have doubled over pre-pandemic rates. As mental health challenges have become more prominent, access to behavioral health care services has been challenging to secure, increasing the burden of care on family, friends, and colleagues.
We empower caregivers to better cope with and manage the stress that coincides with their caregiver role. Courage to Caregivers was founded with the belief that when you are taking care of a loved one living with chronic illness, it is absolutely essential to put on your own “oxygen mask” of self-care before helping others. When caregivers take care of their own health and well-being, they are healthier, happier, and stronger, and thus provide higher-quality, more effective care for their loved ones, leading to healthier, stronger families.
Now in our fifth year of providing programs to unpaid family caregivers, we offer an innovative suite of three programs: 1) Breathing Meditation classes, 2) Group Coaching (support groups), and 3) One-to-One Caregiver Peer Support. These programs are designed to be experienced concurrently, with each program referencing and reinforcing the educational learning from the others. Programming focuses entirely on the unpaid family caregiver and is designed to reduce caregivers’ stress and anxiety, promote healthy coping strategies, combat isolation, and improve their resiliency to deal with the challenges of caregiving. In a validating, supportive, and non-judgmental environment, participants develop the inner strength required to give the best possible care to their loved ones and learn ways to take better care of themselves, both physically and mentally.
One-to-one caregiver Peer Support connects caregivers in need of support with trained caregiver volunteers who have experience caring for someone living with mental illness. This program provides participants with resources to help them take care of themselves both physically and emotionally so they are better able to take care of their loved one living with mental illness. It’s an opportunity for caregivers to freely share their stories, concerns, and challenges with a peer who has been trained as a compassionate active listener.
Breathing Meditation and Group Coaching (support groups) are based on a curriculum of our own design focused on building resilience as a caregiver. These group coaching sessions are conducted with caregivers supporting each other as peers, which in turn supports their own journey of healing and wellness.
What quality or characteristic do you feel is most important to your success?
HOPE
Hope is the expectation of something beneficial in the future. Hope is what has motivated me – what has kept me going, no matter how hard things get.
I quickly realized that my brother had given up hope. As I emerged, after feeling lost and alone, I was wavering in my own hope.
As I found my way back to hope – I recognized that I was looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. What I needed was to see that I was the light – lighting my own path through that dark tunnel of grief – seeing that there was something better and brighter right in front of me.
I was determined that not only would I be a caregiver – I would also be a hope giver, too. Hope can be an important coping mechanism for facing trauma of all kinds and is especially helpful for caregivers. Hope is an essential component to building resilience. It’s so much more than “just a wish.” Hope is a mindset, an action. Hope can be taught/learned and has now become a resilience super-power! Hope has given me the ability to find purpose in my pain.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.couragetocaregivers.org
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/couragetocaregivers
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/couragetocaregivers
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/couragetocaregivers
- Twitter: https://twitter.com/courage2carecle
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwZATc-2nxkTd-WNyvtMCQw
